Learning to say no
Mar 18th, 2018
It can be a difficult thing.
Learning to say no
We don’t say no.
We don’t say no when we should.
walk around not saying no out loud; all... the.. time...
Inside we are shouting it.
We want to say no.
We even think of saying no and what pours out of our mouth is .. not no.
Maybe there’s something like this going on in our heads.
Saying no would disappoint someone, (someone other than you)
You might feel guilty saying no. So you don’t say it. But neither do you commit.. and you end up not doing what you didn’t say no to, or not turning up or you just don’t follow through.
You end up disappointing someone, (someone other than you), and this time maybe you disappoint your self.
A no might have been easier all the way around.
When we don’t say no when we should, we get to resent our way through life. Which might have the instantaneous effect of making us feel justified but long term just uses up our energy and not in a good way. Just say no, not interested, thanks for the offer, full stop.
Let's say this time you might turn up, and do what you didn’t say no to..begrudging every second it is taking you, and aren’t you awesome and inside , well, you are not being a beautiful person.
Maybe we don’t say no because we want to please everybody and a no will take some people off the table, (that actually is ok, but needs a whole other blog).
My personal favourite though, is why are they even asking ? They should know you’re not interested, that it’s inappropriate that it’s.. well.. the answer is no… don’t make me say it.. so I don’t.
Because I shouldn’t have to.. leaving the other people to ESP their way into figuring out me out.
There is even a culture around saying no which is empowering and judgemental all at the same time.
It can be a badge of honour to say no and don’t we all know someone who never does and is there for everyone and everything..confusing.
And saying no can make space.
It can allow for clarity for everyone and it doesn’t demand an excuse or explanation.
Here’s the thing..
Saying no can be great.. perhaps a requirement even, to living a life with accountability and integrity. And it is not the same as saying yes.
Making space by turning down all those offers to use up your time doesn’t actually mean you’ve said yes to anything. Anything else.
It is not automatically going to have you in action, if action is something you want.
You have to say yes, not yes, when the stars align, not yes when I have the time. Just because you said no, doesn’t mean a yes is going to automatically jump in to fill the gap.
A yes is required.
It is a step
It is a dedication.
Listen to the question next time.
The question from the people you love who love you back.
The question from the people you don’t feel have a right to ask.
The question that happens inside your head at 2 am.
Whichever you choose mean it..