March 2, 2019
When you don't measure up to your best version of you
You've let someone's petty comment land hard and knock you off your game.
You don't keep it together or otherwise lose your #$@t.
You find yourself really wanting to tell someone how you are feeling and not in a nice, compassionate, make a positive difference kind of way.
It happens, well, it happens to me.
Then follows the mini-death spiral of shame and feeling like all the grounded, thoughtful, you-can-do-it supportive words that come out of my mouth for myself and the rest of the humans are not authentic. Now I just feel like a fraud.
Then I can feel that gavel of judgement start to descend. Or worse- my gavel is starting to fall on someone else's parade. All the little parade people are knocked down like bowling pins in a tawdry, forgotten bowling alley.
The best advice I can give is to accept it, make the necessary apologies-to myself and whoever else bore the brunt of the lapse.
Skipping that step, much as I may want to, won't help.
Forgive myself and move on.
One action does not define me
One inaction does not define me.
Am I consistently trying to be better, one choice at a time?
Am I taking the decisions that line up with who I say I am?
I'm not sure I am able to answer any of the questions I ask of myself.
Trying to be aware takes time and dedication.
I'm on the road, always on the road.